[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
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8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
This hospital has everything
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.