How all things should be taught/explained.
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her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Oh boy, $150,000!
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured