A dead goose is called a ghoost
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If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.