me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
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Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw