If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
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Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.