Just me and my debit card against the world
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I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
This is why I hate group projects
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.