Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
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A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.