If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
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We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.