Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
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“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
One of the best
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..