Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
You Might Also Like
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Optional boss fight.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”