I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
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Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
That’s what I call a flat tire
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?