I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
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If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.