Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
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I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
wish me luck lads
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Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.