If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
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I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Smile they said.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
subtitles are so good nowadays