Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
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Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Employees must applaud the planets.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.