Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
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People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
My beach vacation Google searches
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..