Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
You Might Also Like
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Basically.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.