Labreador
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Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I think I’m having a stroke
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.