Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
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[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening