Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
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scenes of unspeakable carnage
Breaking news:
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Hmm, not sure about this change
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have