Message from the dog groomers
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fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.