We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
You Might Also Like
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
My dog after a walk in the woods.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.