thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
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Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.