*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
You Might Also Like
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Guantanamo Bae
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.