Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
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The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works