I think this cat is broken
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Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I had to Stop for this
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
classic mixup
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Worst bar ever.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!