*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
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Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
this post was so formative to me
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago