My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
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Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
The Birdles