I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
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H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
welp
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.