Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
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Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night