wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
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I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?