non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
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ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.