Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
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I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Who knew!
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead