I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
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[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Beauty and the Beast
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.