Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
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Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
My god she’s good.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press