If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
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What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
mariah carrie
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower