i hate you platonically
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Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Breaking news:
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no