Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
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I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.