I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
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Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
WWE is French for “yes”
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses