Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
You Might Also Like
What a chick magnet..
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Ron is short for Aaronald
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”