Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
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Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.