*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
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Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.