Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
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The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station