I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
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me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.