[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
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You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉