I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
You Might Also Like
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”