It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.