You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
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road rage
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
They’re stuck in your pants?
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
The “baby” on the left….
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.