When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
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My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage