My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
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Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Ugh
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.